Coin Flipping

I wrote this letter to a solicitor who is threatening me with legal action today over a 5 pound purchase / transaction which went a bit bumpy.

My only excuse for writing something like this was that I was tired when I got home and wanted something mildly amusing to do. Actually, I ended up enjoying it like it was some kind of creative act. So perhaps I should do it more often!

Why do you want to read it? I don't know - go and do something else right away!

Dear Sir / Madam,
It seems your client "The London Mint Office" and your own organisation deserve each other. The London Mint office don't seem to know what they're doing and you guys don't answer your phones. Given the incredible sense of urgency your letter has, I am surprised you don't bother to invest in an adequate system so that you can deal with your customers clerical errors and complaints faster. What fun you guys must have together.

Mind you, I'm no better it seems. I used to think I was a careful and considerate consumer, but alas, I have faltered. No, I'm not referring to a sudden burst of slovenly payment practice (as you will see in due course) I do of course mean the fact that I chose to purchase a Battle of Trafalgar 5 pound coin from the London Mint Office. What rash craziness! What was I thinking?

In terms of being an efficient organisation, the London Mint Office is right "on the money" up to and including delivery. My Trafalgar coin arrived in no time at all - even before I’d paid for it. There’s trust for you. Something so valuable in the post with no guarantee that I won’t just run off and spend it. Free money in the post guys!

I was almost simultaneously blessed with offers from a mass of other "limited" offers that came with it. In fact there does appear to be a rather unlimited supply of limited offers nowadays strangely. Very efficient company when it comes to mailing people stuff. I was impressed.

Now of course, as you are well aware, Lord Nelson fought hard and died a hero, the Battle of Trafalgar itself is now a major landmark time in our history. So no doubt many hours will have gone into the careful design and pressing of this once in a lifetime limited coin.
Well, this cherished and most rare heirloom, which is designed to stay throughout my family's generations to come, first saw the light of day as we opened the post over breakfast just after the 18th March 2006 in our dining room.

I gathered the family around and began recanting romantic tales of the sea, preparing my children for the visual and sumptuous feast of coin history about to grace our table. I clear aside the cereal boxes and coffee cups so that the kids can see first hand this exclusive collectable. I eagerly opened my little plastic wallet.

But what is this? Have I mixed up my coin with one of the free Shreddies giveways on the table?

Now let’s get this straight. If you gave me a disk of steel, a hammer and some metalworking tools, I might struggle to create a lasting icon of any description. But this is precisely why I like to leave coin making to the experts.

So, a qualified coin forger or presser (or whatever) I may not be, I confess - but I still know a good one when I see it. So, having examined this specific specimen I now feel that I am able to issue a critique over what category I feel this coin falls into.

Not wishing to sound too defamatory to the creator (who may take offence) but, this is nothing more than a tin trinket. It’s a beast of a knob crock bottle top in fact. It’s truly hump I’m afraid. Worth 5 pounds? Well apparently so - I seem to remember some clever text circumlocuting around the concept of this being legal tender etc. But I have not yet gone down to the bank to see if they will exchange it for anything. And I have to say I have my doubts.

Some say all I need to do is pop down to a place called Tristan da Cunha - and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you follow the links to some sites I unearthed about your esteemed client which I attach below.

The error I made was obviously the one that was intended for me to make all along. Namely to mistake the London Mint Office (with it’s faux Royal appointment logo etc) with the Royal Mint who at least have a pretty good handle on coin design and of course manufacturing etc.

So, once bitten, twice shy as they say. I figured I could send it back and therefore not pay the 5 pound invoice that came with it or I could just pay for it, learn the lesson and perhaps give the coin to some kid somewhere, some day as a wee gift. Oh well, it’s only 5 pounds. A crying 3 year old at a bus stop would never know the difference and, you never know, it might make someone’s day.

I was late for work so I popped it in my briefcase and went off to the bus stop in search of a kid in need of a small lift. Before I left the house I also sent off my credit card details with the paying in slip. Being organised I kept the invoice details (1038935 - dated 18th March 2006) as well as the counter slip and sent all the necessary information to the London Mint Office on the same day.

The next thing to happen was final reminder letter dated 02 May 2006 (Customer no 6000026785). I was instructed not to ignore this outstanding issue of unpaid 5.pounds. Perhaps my pay-in slip had been lost in the post. I better phone immediately! I rushed to work and phoned the London Mint Office hotline (9th May 2006) and spoke to a nice lady “Mary Wells” (?) she checked my account. “Fully paid” she said. This was in accordance with my own records too so I duly felt the matter dealt with. The London Mint Office did receive my payment after all. The reminder was clearly issued in error.

So then I get your letter (21st June) threatening me with pain and suffering etc unless I settle this sum immediately.

So, like I mentioned, when I called your office this afternoon (27th June 2006 at 13:10) I get no reply and no voicemail etc. to help me. Ineptitude. This is why I say you clearly deserve each other. Incidentally, "fully paid" I may be on some records at the London Mint - but I checked my bank this afternoon and the payment never went through. Perhaps Mary should look under her desk for the slip.

I can’t be bothered trying to pay the London Mint Office their 5 pounds anymore. I have tried hard enough. I like to charge my clients 50 pounds an hour for my time. So if you insist on billing me for this utter piece of trash in this plastic wallet, then I will reciprocate by invoicing both you and the London Mint Office for the trouble I have been to thus far - including an admin charge of 100 pounds for this letter.

Meanwhile, It seems no kids have been crying hard enough on the bus of late, and so, I believe I still have my special Trafalgar coin in its wallet should you wish to retrieve it. I think it fell down the side of one of our sofas in the living room. I can arrange a mutually convenient time for you to collect it if you so wish - but you'll have to hunt for it.

If you’ve never seen one of these coins before you might want to make the effort. Of course a trip to Scotland form London might seem a little too much trouble - but I should remind you that your client believes the Trafalgar coin is a very desirous and collectible artefact indeed - I would add that it could probably double its value overnight if one of your kitchen table legs becomes fractionally shorter than any of the others.

Below are three hyperlinks to articles about your client I found on the net this afternoon which I mentioned earlier. I'm so glad my company doesn’t suffer this kind of humiliation. Mind you, not only do we have real products to sell, we also bother to keep our accounts in order (so we know who has paid over who hasn’t) and we even answer the phone too - which I guess helps.

http://www.24carat.co.uk/londonmintofficeframe.html

See the article entitled "Short Change" here: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/mirrorinvestigates/tm_column_date=25052006-name_index.html

http://www.craigmurphy.com/blog/?p=357

Regards Spike Allibone

I checked on the coin's authenticity only AFTER sending this mail and it does appear that I have a genuine coin. However, how does one define a collector's item? If you knock it up in a hurry so you can make a quick buck off the back of some emotional public commemorative celebration then you could be called a bit of a con man. But then again, if what you do is a commercial success then I guess it's just business.

The fact remains however that I felt duped by the process, and the coin is shoddy to boot. Sorry Horatio that it came to this!

I can't show you this...

I knocked this up as an idea for what some people call "guerrilla" tactics. I sent it to my lawyer to see if he thought we could use it anywhere. He said "Well my copyright department like it. They printed it and put it on the wall - other than that though, I can't really see where else you'd use it." In the end we resorted to a "normal" ad.

I met Beyonce the other day.... well, anyway I stood on the same stage as her... I should have asked her permission then really. I have to say, the moment didn't quite feel right to bring it up under the circumstances.

You know she has a guy to hold her water? What's really cool about Beyonce and her water bearer is that HE decides when she's thirsty. He just sits at the side of the stage, then every now and then he wanders over with her water bottle. Amazing. Not sure how long you have to train before you can spot dehydration from 50 paces. I was certainly impressed! In his other hand he has a towel which he uses to dab her forehead gently while she swigs. Oh to be famous!

Mediocre

A poem, song, prose, essay kind of idea about creative failings of normal people and how we stream ourselves according to what we are capable of - or at least how we perceive our own abilities.
Look at them, they express themselves so well - Oh well.
I don't compare and of course I care
But what can I do about it?
I get some solace from their otherwise desperate lives
Whilst I'm locked in an uphill chase. 
Plagiarism my only option.
Of course their songs can never be mine - and of course my life is my own.
I must find a way to make it profound on my terms.
But, overshadowed with the curse of mediocrity, I know I will only ever play to those who could never really understand.
How good these dumbed down people will say I am. But what good is that? They don't know any better.

Gifts are normally wasted on the gifted.
I must either turn off my perception so that I can become one of the miserable masses - or I must use surreal bravado to fabricate the missing talent and hope that the prized label of recognition soothes the gaping hole.

When Joni dies, what will they find in her cupboards? Erudite, beautiful, encapsulating the here and now - even when she speaks of something now so yesterday.
Her happy, sad and poignant life is a vehicle for all of us - and so we pick up a pen to write our own story not in homage, but because ours must be told too.

So are we innately mediocre or is it just that our ability to express is marred by comparison?
Joni's life is, after all, mediocre in essence. It was her expression of it that won her accolades.
But who named you judge?
Who told you that you can naturally discern the difference between wheat and chaff?
Joni had idols. And they had idols too.
Perhaps even the true art of meaning, expression and beauty can inevitably be cast into nothingness.
Then we are all the same, and if everyone is special then no one is at all.