Coin Flipping

I wrote this letter to a solicitor who is threatening me with legal action today over a 5 pound purchase / transaction which went a bit bumpy.

My only excuse for writing something like this was that I was tired when I got home and wanted something mildly amusing to do. Actually, I ended up enjoying it like it was some kind of creative act. So perhaps I should do it more often!

Why do you want to read it? I don't know - go and do something else right away!

Dear Sir / Madam,
It seems your client "The London Mint Office" and your own organisation deserve each other. The London Mint office don't seem to know what they're doing and you guys don't answer your phones. Given the incredible sense of urgency your letter has, I am surprised you don't bother to invest in an adequate system so that you can deal with your customers clerical errors and complaints faster. What fun you guys must have together.

Mind you, I'm no better it seems. I used to think I was a careful and considerate consumer, but alas, I have faltered. No, I'm not referring to a sudden burst of slovenly payment practice (as you will see in due course) I do of course mean the fact that I chose to purchase a Battle of Trafalgar 5 pound coin from the London Mint Office. What rash craziness! What was I thinking?

In terms of being an efficient organisation, the London Mint Office is right "on the money" up to and including delivery. My Trafalgar coin arrived in no time at all - even before I’d paid for it. There’s trust for you. Something so valuable in the post with no guarantee that I won’t just run off and spend it. Free money in the post guys!

I was almost simultaneously blessed with offers from a mass of other "limited" offers that came with it. In fact there does appear to be a rather unlimited supply of limited offers nowadays strangely. Very efficient company when it comes to mailing people stuff. I was impressed.

Now of course, as you are well aware, Lord Nelson fought hard and died a hero, the Battle of Trafalgar itself is now a major landmark time in our history. So no doubt many hours will have gone into the careful design and pressing of this once in a lifetime limited coin.
Well, this cherished and most rare heirloom, which is designed to stay throughout my family's generations to come, first saw the light of day as we opened the post over breakfast just after the 18th March 2006 in our dining room.

I gathered the family around and began recanting romantic tales of the sea, preparing my children for the visual and sumptuous feast of coin history about to grace our table. I clear aside the cereal boxes and coffee cups so that the kids can see first hand this exclusive collectable. I eagerly opened my little plastic wallet.

But what is this? Have I mixed up my coin with one of the free Shreddies giveways on the table?

Now let’s get this straight. If you gave me a disk of steel, a hammer and some metalworking tools, I might struggle to create a lasting icon of any description. But this is precisely why I like to leave coin making to the experts.

So, a qualified coin forger or presser (or whatever) I may not be, I confess - but I still know a good one when I see it. So, having examined this specific specimen I now feel that I am able to issue a critique over what category I feel this coin falls into.

Not wishing to sound too defamatory to the creator (who may take offence) but, this is nothing more than a tin trinket. It’s a beast of a knob crock bottle top in fact. It’s truly hump I’m afraid. Worth 5 pounds? Well apparently so - I seem to remember some clever text circumlocuting around the concept of this being legal tender etc. But I have not yet gone down to the bank to see if they will exchange it for anything. And I have to say I have my doubts.

Some say all I need to do is pop down to a place called Tristan da Cunha - and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you follow the links to some sites I unearthed about your esteemed client which I attach below.

The error I made was obviously the one that was intended for me to make all along. Namely to mistake the London Mint Office (with it’s faux Royal appointment logo etc) with the Royal Mint who at least have a pretty good handle on coin design and of course manufacturing etc.

So, once bitten, twice shy as they say. I figured I could send it back and therefore not pay the 5 pound invoice that came with it or I could just pay for it, learn the lesson and perhaps give the coin to some kid somewhere, some day as a wee gift. Oh well, it’s only 5 pounds. A crying 3 year old at a bus stop would never know the difference and, you never know, it might make someone’s day.

I was late for work so I popped it in my briefcase and went off to the bus stop in search of a kid in need of a small lift. Before I left the house I also sent off my credit card details with the paying in slip. Being organised I kept the invoice details (1038935 - dated 18th March 2006) as well as the counter slip and sent all the necessary information to the London Mint Office on the same day.

The next thing to happen was final reminder letter dated 02 May 2006 (Customer no 6000026785). I was instructed not to ignore this outstanding issue of unpaid 5.pounds. Perhaps my pay-in slip had been lost in the post. I better phone immediately! I rushed to work and phoned the London Mint Office hotline (9th May 2006) and spoke to a nice lady “Mary Wells” (?) she checked my account. “Fully paid” she said. This was in accordance with my own records too so I duly felt the matter dealt with. The London Mint Office did receive my payment after all. The reminder was clearly issued in error.

So then I get your letter (21st June) threatening me with pain and suffering etc unless I settle this sum immediately.

So, like I mentioned, when I called your office this afternoon (27th June 2006 at 13:10) I get no reply and no voicemail etc. to help me. Ineptitude. This is why I say you clearly deserve each other. Incidentally, "fully paid" I may be on some records at the London Mint - but I checked my bank this afternoon and the payment never went through. Perhaps Mary should look under her desk for the slip.

I can’t be bothered trying to pay the London Mint Office their 5 pounds anymore. I have tried hard enough. I like to charge my clients 50 pounds an hour for my time. So if you insist on billing me for this utter piece of trash in this plastic wallet, then I will reciprocate by invoicing both you and the London Mint Office for the trouble I have been to thus far - including an admin charge of 100 pounds for this letter.

Meanwhile, It seems no kids have been crying hard enough on the bus of late, and so, I believe I still have my special Trafalgar coin in its wallet should you wish to retrieve it. I think it fell down the side of one of our sofas in the living room. I can arrange a mutually convenient time for you to collect it if you so wish - but you'll have to hunt for it.

If you’ve never seen one of these coins before you might want to make the effort. Of course a trip to Scotland form London might seem a little too much trouble - but I should remind you that your client believes the Trafalgar coin is a very desirous and collectible artefact indeed - I would add that it could probably double its value overnight if one of your kitchen table legs becomes fractionally shorter than any of the others.

Below are three hyperlinks to articles about your client I found on the net this afternoon which I mentioned earlier. I'm so glad my company doesn’t suffer this kind of humiliation. Mind you, not only do we have real products to sell, we also bother to keep our accounts in order (so we know who has paid over who hasn’t) and we even answer the phone too - which I guess helps.

http://www.24carat.co.uk/londonmintofficeframe.html

See the article entitled "Short Change" here: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/mirrorinvestigates/tm_column_date=25052006-name_index.html

http://www.craigmurphy.com/blog/?p=357

Regards Spike Allibone

I checked on the coin's authenticity only AFTER sending this mail and it does appear that I have a genuine coin. However, how does one define a collector's item? If you knock it up in a hurry so you can make a quick buck off the back of some emotional public commemorative celebration then you could be called a bit of a con man. But then again, if what you do is a commercial success then I guess it's just business.

The fact remains however that I felt duped by the process, and the coin is shoddy to boot. Sorry Horatio that it came to this!

I can't show you this...

I knocked this up as an idea for what some people call "guerrilla" tactics. I sent it to my lawyer to see if he thought we could use it anywhere. He said "Well my copyright department like it. They printed it and put it on the wall - other than that though, I can't really see where else you'd use it." In the end we resorted to a "normal" ad.

I met Beyonce the other day.... well, anyway I stood on the same stage as her... I should have asked her permission then really. I have to say, the moment didn't quite feel right to bring it up under the circumstances.

You know she has a guy to hold her water? What's really cool about Beyonce and her water bearer is that HE decides when she's thirsty. He just sits at the side of the stage, then every now and then he wanders over with her water bottle. Amazing. Not sure how long you have to train before you can spot dehydration from 50 paces. I was certainly impressed! In his other hand he has a towel which he uses to dab her forehead gently while she swigs. Oh to be famous!

Mediocre

A poem, song, prose, essay kind of idea about creative failings of normal people and how we stream ourselves according to what we are capable of - or at least how we perceive our own abilities.
Look at them, they express themselves so well - Oh well.
I don't compare and of course I care
But what can I do about it?
I get some solace from their otherwise desperate lives
Whilst I'm locked in an uphill chase. 
Plagiarism my only option.
Of course their songs can never be mine - and of course my life is my own.
I must find a way to make it profound on my terms.
But, overshadowed with the curse of mediocrity, I know I will only ever play to those who could never really understand.
How good these dumbed down people will say I am. But what good is that? They don't know any better.

Gifts are normally wasted on the gifted.
I must either turn off my perception so that I can become one of the miserable masses - or I must use surreal bravado to fabricate the missing talent and hope that the prized label of recognition soothes the gaping hole.

When Joni dies, what will they find in her cupboards? Erudite, beautiful, encapsulating the here and now - even when she speaks of something now so yesterday.
Her happy, sad and poignant life is a vehicle for all of us - and so we pick up a pen to write our own story not in homage, but because ours must be told too.

So are we innately mediocre or is it just that our ability to express is marred by comparison?
Joni's life is, after all, mediocre in essence. It was her expression of it that won her accolades.
But who named you judge?
Who told you that you can naturally discern the difference between wheat and chaff?
Joni had idols. And they had idols too.
Perhaps even the true art of meaning, expression and beauty can inevitably be cast into nothingness.
Then we are all the same, and if everyone is special then no one is at all.

I love the idea of blogging. I want to do it all the time. I'm creative. I have so much to say. You'd be interested. No really. Your life would be enriched. I'd love to read other peoples too. It'd make a difference to life. Blogs are the salve to an aching world. Right now I could tell you so much stuff. Soon. Really soon. Time slips through my hands like grains of golden sand. How few, yet how they slip through my fingers to the deep - Here's a test card. normal service will resume once someone throws my wasted corpse into a pine box!

Barking Mad

So now I've started to blog have I?

Actually, not that you've got me started or anything, but, if you pushed me - I would probably say that dogs are kind of okay - provided they are kept behind sealed and sound proof glass that is - yeah, they're okay.

But it's the dog owners that give them the bad rep isn't it!?

So why own a dog?

Well it's a companion isn't it.

I don't own a dog. Guess what, I have got companions too. In fact I tend to choose human companions mostly and I would argue that they have some advantages over animals. I often find that humans are able to engage in conversations that extend beyond "fetch.... good boy" and “woof” etc. There are other bonuses too. Like humans don't need you to open the door for them, and also that they can buy a round of drinks etc.

You don't really get that with a dog do you. So yeah, your dog's a companion - but arguably less so than a human can be. It must surely be easy to argue that a dog has limits to the depth of the available companionship.

Oh well you see dogs..... well dogs are faithful aren’t they. You get let down by your friends. People can be plain nasty, they lie to you, they complicate relationships, they are unreliable, they are selfish. Dogs on the other hand. Well what you see is what you get isn't it. Yer dog's yer pal. Always by your side. Keeps life simple. You know where you are with your dog.

Funny this one I have always thought. So, do we conclude that anyone with a dog has people problems? Is the dog owner someone who says, "look I stay away from humans, it's animals I trust". Obviously, most dog owners have human friends too - so that argument is quite paradoxical. If you say you have a dog coz you don’t trust people (and I have heard this one a few times actually) then how come you have human friends too? If you have just a couple of trustworthy human buddies that don’t crap on the lawn, then why not see them more often to make up for the humans you don’t see or trust and avoid the dog thing altogether?

Yeah but I like dogs. It’s great to go for walks. We play chase, and catch the frisby and he’s so pleased to see me when I get home.

I, on the other hand also go for walks. I don’t have the honour of wiping the slobber off my chewed frisby - but I can fly my kite without some disgusting beast ruining the countryside, chasing the sheep and making foul smells! And when I get home I take off my shoes and the mud stays outside.

What am I saying? I forgot to mention that my two crazy children come running in behind me scattering mud, noise and bedlam all over the house! They are 9 & 7, so it’s not as bad as it used to be. But what with the noises and the smells of the baby years still not that long in the distance, I can empathise with the animal thing. Really I can.

There are tons of “anti-kid” people out there too. They feel the same as I do when it comes down to space invasion, smells, responsibilities all stemming from the unusually - and occasionally illogical innate desire to procreate.

Loads of people don't have kids for very similar reasons to why I wouldn't have a dog. I have to say it would be interesting to meet someone who hates kids so they got a dog instead though. I guess the argument would be that a kid is a person. Your children exists for their own selves. A dog however exists for you - and they do exactly what it says they'll do on the tin.

Did you buy a dog instead of a have a baby? Perhaps you wanted a baby simply because you felt a void in your life without one, or perhaps your relationship with your partner needed some additional excitement.

Hmmmm perhaps that’s another issue in the making for my newfound blog hobby, but the point is that you might want to have a child for your own reasons, but once they exist, everything is no longer on your terms. Your selfish and original desires become secondary from the moment of delivery onwards. A dog on the other hand, can help you more or less maintain your selfishness. 

Sure the dog has personal needs which it is your duty to perform, but basically, the rest of the time you are only concerned about what good that dog can do for you. You are not really interested in it’s education, it’s opinions etc. Perhaps you want it trained - but only so that you can benefit. The dog inevitably doesn’t care if it’s trained or not. If you are going to the shops, the dog comes too. Whether it is in the mood or not - this is for you to decide.

The dog is a dumb beast. He exists for you - and he doesn’t mind. You love dogs because they have no agenda of their own. Their faithfulness to you is almost guaranteed - you can tell when they are happy and sad etc and the rest you can project into and create what you think the dog feels about you very easily to make up for any lack of communication. He's a member of the family - but you can shut him out the back when you've had enough.

Anyway, looks like you did get me started after all. I’m not really knocking the concept of domestic dog ownership.... well, okay I AM knocking it a bit - but you can tell I’m not a dog person so you shouldn’t be too surprised. Here's a wee additional statement in passing.... I actually love dogs! - Well, I'll clarify, I love animals a lot. I am very drawn to all kinds of beasts and of course dogs in particular (to quote Pulp Fiction) have a lot of personality. 

But the thing that turns me off are the hairs everywhere, the smell, the relentless yapping noises, cost, responsibilities, vet bills, excrement - (how can anyone ever cope with that?), bad breath, chewed furniture, revolting car interiors. To me, the whole idea as a whole is the ultimate in misery. Any pleasure from the beast cannot possibly match up.

I see you out there with your dogs. And I always wonder why. Why? At least my children will grow up and leave home.. they might even look after me in my later years. Okay, perhaps I am just deluding myself on that one!

My bold and righteous neighbour went up to a dog owner the other day after he and his dog walked away leaving a lovely pile of total disgust in the middle of our street. She asked him why he wasn’t going to clear up after his dog. He replied:

“If all of us did the right things every day, then we’d all have halos on our heads wouldn’t we”.

She was a bit dumbfounded with that one as I would have been too. I guess that’s what you get with dog owners like that. Perhaps she should have thrown him a stick instead - preferably at his face. The dog was obviously house trained, but the owner did not appear to be street trained.

Do you not beat dogs into understanding what is and isn’t acceptable in the house? On this basis then, I have some great ideas as to how to educate likeminded owners. I guess I could calm down now. Lots of my best friends have dogs... did I really just say that?!

Welcome to this woofing world everyone. Be excellent!